The worst things about crutches

I’ve recently been stuck on crutches due to an ill placed and ill-timed knee injury (though when is a good time I don’t know). Now, some people may be under the impression that crutches are ‘fun’ or perhaps a bit of a laugh. Nope. Not true. Whoever came up with that idea is delusional… or stupid. So, other that the constant stream of hospital appointments, physio session and the ever lasting need for pain killers, what’s the worst thing about being on crutches? In no particular order:

1 – Stairs are my nemesis

So okay, I’ll be the first to admit that I’m not a fan of stairs at the best of times but on crutches… that’s really taking the biscuit. Suddenly, the relatively simple journey of going up one floor to my English lit class has become a whole lot more difficult. I’m now faced with Mount Everest; and it’s no fun at all. And I’m sad to say – there’s no real way of getting up. At school, I can’t bum shuffle up (much to my displeasure) so it’s a case of flagging with the bad leg while hopping up with the other. Or, as people are constantly reminding me… Use the lift. No chance. I would rather battle the cruel, evil descent up a floor via the stairs than enter the tiny, chewing gum filled box of doom. It could break, I could get stuck and oh, did I mention? Claustrophobic. It’s so not happening. So my battle with stairs on crutches continues.

 

2 – Games has been eliminated from my timetable

Yep, that’s it, no more sport for me. I can’t even go swimming for goodness sake! Every little thing that required moderate physical exertion, I can’t do! So no running, walking the dog and no shopping. Some people have said, ‘Oh well at least you can study in those periods.’ Yeah, so, I’d much rather be running around in a muddy field playing hockey or having my face smashed by a lacrosse stick. Actually… But my point is valid! No sport sucks.

 

3 – I can’t carry anything

Literally anything. Food, glasses or a book. Nope, nothing, nada. And do you know how debilitating that is… No? Let me tell you: very. I have a rucksack glued to back at all times to carry the things I need which, let’s face it, is not a good look. And I’m permanently wearing hoodies so I can have easy access to vital items such as food or glasses… Unfortunately, books don’t fit in my hoodie pocket! And school folders? Well, let’s say that I think all schools should get rid of them because – can you see one of them fitting into an average size rucksack? But, good news people! I found a use for my DofE bag; it isn’t being used for anything else!

 

4 – ‘No you can’t borrow them’

Come on people, really? Do you have to ask? That awful question that you get asked by one, no ten, no one hundred people: ‘Can I have a go?’ No. now back off before I hit you with them. To anyone out there who has ever asked that question let me tell you something: THEY ARE NOT A TOY! Really! So don’t ask to have a go one them… Please. I need them, as much as I hate them. You can’t take that from me, my life’s hard enough as it is. Just, think, when you’re on the other side of the room, swinging around, I’m desperate to go to the loo and can’t; why’s that? Because you’re having fun. No – go away.

 

5 – People are everywhere.

And they’re always in the way. Along with another obstruction you can throw at me. That sock you dropped on the floor after games and couldn’t be bothered to pick up thinking, ‘I’ve got another one,’ Who slipped on that? Me. Or perhaps you rushed off to break leaving the door to slam shut behind you. Yeah, thanks for that. When you’re on crutches you begin to realise how hard it is just to walk (Yep, walking is the major problem). Seriously, I’m never going to take walking for granted again.

 

6 – Some people are just too nice.

Now considering my last paragraph I know this will sound hypercritical but some people are just too helpful. I can do some things. Like… open my own locker, or get my own piece of paper. I’m not paralysed! It’s lovely that you’re trying to help but if I need it I will ask for it. You contribution to my day-to-day activities is unnecessary. I do appreciate it, I really do! But sometimes, the more helpful people annoy me more than the inconsiderate ones. No offence, but at least they don’t baby me. Holding the door open is fabulous – but I don’t then need an escort to my next lesson, or someone to get my books out of my bag. It’s great but… no thanks.

 

7 – The bathroom experience.

You wake up, flounder around desperately and click your alarm, its 2:30 in the morning. And your bladder is ready to burst. But this is no easy task. First you must locate your crutches in the dark, then hop across the floor avoiding yesterday’s shirt that you know you should’ve put in the wash but didn’t, then you try in vain to muffle the click, click, click of your crutches as you attempt to avoid waking you fellow residents. You have reached the bathroom avoiding the debris of that days misadventures; it’s then a long carefully placed fall before you can finally release that desperate wee. Repeat for journey back to base. I have to tell you – it’s not easy. And you know what: I haven’t started on showers because I think you get the gist.

 

8 – Everthing’s soo much effooooort…*Zzzzzzzzzzzzzz*

Everything immediately becomes a heck of a lot harder on crutches. So you become hungrier and infinitely more tired. A trip to the cinema is followed by a massive dinner and going to sleep at 7:30. Because that’s just how it works, you can’t shop, go for a walk and a trip to the beach is out of the equation entirely. So forget county walks because until everything’s back to normal: even Sainsbury’s is a superhuman stretch for me.

 

9 – It’s raining…

Again. Another fun trip across half of school campus in the pouring rain, arriving looking like I took a detour via the swimming pool (which I haven’t, see point 2). Because on crutches… hand occupied. And, guess what? Nope you didn’t get it; but I live in England! And that’s only slightly better than Scotland or Wales. Because, you know what, it rains all the time… All the time. And so my books are soaked through and that mornings immaculate new hair style has gone down the drain (see what I did there!) It could be worse I suppose… Wait, do you reckon having crutches will increase the chances of being struck by lightning? Because they’re a quick way to ground? Just my luck.

 

10 – I have been the butt of soooooo many jokes.

Seriously, it wasn’t funny the first time and it won’t be funny the next time either. Get over it. Yes, you can hear me coming from a mile off. Yes, I can’t run after you – does that make stealing my stuff funny? And, yes, if I drop them on the floor, watching me rescue them while standing on one leg must be hilarious. So perhaps, the next time you see someone on crutches in the street you won’t feel the urge to run up to them and say, ‘Is your favourite song lean on me?’

 

 

 

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